


A cat named Kilgharrah

by carrigadrohid_louch_mermaid



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-02-10 15:48:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12915093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrigadrohid_louch_mermaid/pseuds/carrigadrohid_louch_mermaid
Summary: Arthur is homeless. Kilgharrah is a cat. Merlin is a catowner.....Based on the book: A streetcat named Bob





	1. Chapter 1

Arthur....

With a sigh, Arthur putted on the hood of his once dark red hoodie that had been worn to the wire. Icy rain poured down from the dark grey sky, giving the poor man chills to the bone. People that passed by gave him odd looks, their gazes full with repulsion as they tucked themselfs in their thick coats. Understandeble, he thought, two years of living on the streets had taken his toll. He knew his hair needed a cut, his beard a trim, some new clothes and above all, a good long shower. He looked at himself in the reflection of a shop window. It was a sad sight. There was nothing left of his former self. He used to be a rich, spoiled boy, a soccerplayer, the textbook example of spoiled brat. Until his mother died and his father remarried that dreadfull Kathrina woman. He had two new sons now 9 and 11 years old, and for Arthur, there was no place anymore at their dinning table.

Of course arthur had also played a part with his own mistakes. Booze, drugs, wrong friends, crashing expensive cars and harlots of girlfriends hadn't done anything good either. So his father kicked him out. Without money, his so called friends had dropped him like a rock. 19 and alone on the streets of London, trying to survive had transformed him from sportsjock to spindly bird. Suddenly his stomach rattled. "Damn", he thought: "food would be welcome right now." He looked around him, there was a sleazy looking burger restaurant around the corner. Not his favorit kind of food but it wasn't like he had a choice. He counted the money in his hand. 3 pounds 25 was not really a big amount but maybe he could afford a small burger as he entered the shop. At least it would be warm.

"We do not serve your kind here", said the dark-colored seller with aversion in voice. "But i have money", Arthur answered deviantly: "i can pay for my food. Please i haven't eaten all day long..." The dark man shook his head. "you are 20 pence short", he said: "it's 3 pounds 45, no less. Now leave before i call the police." Arthur wanted to argue but he saw it was no use. Defeated he turned to leave. A few customers, sitting at the white tables shaking their heads and looking at him with a disapproving looks made him feel really small and ashamed.

Outside he tucked his hands deep in his pockets and with slumped shoulders he moved on to his hiding place until a voice stopped him in his tracks. "Hey, red hoodie, wait up", a man shouted: " mate, stop!" Arthur turned around. A young man with dark curls, milky white skin, sapphire blue eyes, really big ears and a goofy smile ran towards him, waving a bag. "Mate", he said: "that was so low of that bloody vendor, I'm never having a burger there again. No sir, i swear on my mother, that cabbagehead can shove his burgers where the sun never shines." With a suspicious look Arthur stared at him. "Here", the young man said: "have this, It would no longer taste me anyway", as he shoved the bag into Arthur's hands. With shaking hands from the cold, Arthur opened the bag. It contained 3 cheese burgers, fries and a coleslaw. "Thank you", he stammered avoiding the man's eyes: "this is really kind of you. The young man shrugged. "The world would be a sad place without kindness, my mother always said", he smiled. Before he could say anything else some of the young man's friends interupted them. "Come on Merls", a young girl with dark skin and curls shouted: "the movie is about to begin and Lance is really impatient." The young man smiled and yelled back: "Comming Gwen, i'll be right there." He turned to Arthur and said shyly: "I have to go, mate, i hope you like the coleslaw." Arthur stared after him as he dissapeared into the night.

Back at his hide-out, wich wasn't much, an old abandoned terraced house,badly damaged by fire, with windows that no longer contained glass, and the smell like the inside of an incinerator. But it was dry, mostly and there where walls. Arthur was sitting cross-legged on an old, decrepit mattress and bit eagerly in his with kindness given cheeseburger. It was lukewarm but tasted like a king's meal. Just as he wanted to consume the second burger, he heared a rattling noise in the second room what had once been a kitchen. "Damn,"he panicked: "What the hell is that?" Armed with a plastic fork, he sneaked towards the noise. "Be warned!", he shouted in the direction of the sound: "I'm armed and not afraid to use my weapon!" Suddenly he stopped. In the vague street light that shone through the window he saw a grey, almost silver cat sitting on the half-broken kitchen top, staring at Arthur with green eyes, his head a little crooked...


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin....

  
Tired merlin took place in his favorite seat covering himself with a quilt made by his late mother. It was decorated with bluebells, primroses and Irish spurges, his mothers favorit flowers from her homecountry Ireland. Slowely he took a sip from his homemade chocolate milk whilest his silver gray cat kilgharrah comfortably lied down next to him. "Hey Kill", Merlin whispered: "how was your day?" The cat closed his green eyes and yawned whilest Merlin stroked him behind the ears. Happy, Kilgharrah began to spin. "So tiring hey", Merlin said: "mine to, mate, mine to." With a deep sigh, Merlin thought back about his working day. He loved working at his uncle Gauis antique shop but some people could really be difficult. It is the rain and the cold that makes them so annoying he thought. Or they are just born like that. Yes, Merlin was glad he was at home.

  
Suddenly his phone rang. Merlin placed his cup down on the side table and took the device out of the pocket of his skinny jeans. The cheerful voice of gwen sounded loud in his ears. "Hey Merls", she chirped: "how are you?" Without waiting for his answer she continued: "Do you want to go out with me and Lance tonight? Catching dinner and a movie?" Merlin sighed, he was tired but he really liked movies. Well, the nachos and Cheesedip they selled at the movies that was. "Okay, he said: "but no chickflicks, you know how much i hate those." Gwen laughed: "Lance doesn't like those either, he wants to see justice league. You know, with batman and wonder woman? I think he just want to gawk at wonder woman." Merlin laughed. "Why would he do that when he's got you, you beautiful woman?" "You are so right, Merls," Gwen smiled: "No reason to stare at other tarts. We pick you up at 8, allright?" Before Merlin could answer the connection was broken. He looked at his watch, he got a bit more than half an hour left. Enough time for a quick shower.

  
"You look really good, very stylish" Gwen said as they strolled through london's streets. With a smile Merlin playfully made a pirouette, like a professional catwalk model, well, sort of. He knew his black skinny jeans fitted him very well. His leather jacket and dark purple roll-neck sweater matched perfectly. The only missmatch were his old blue all stars, shoes he could not say goodbye to for some reason. "I don't know about you two," Lance said: "but i really could eat a boatload of junkfood right now." Merlin laughed: "Are you pregnant, Lance?" Lancelot shaked his head, a grin upon his face. "No," he said: "but there is a good burger place here, right around the corner. The outside doesn't look much, but the food is really great."

  
Lance didn't lie, Merlin thought by himself, these where the best cheeseburgers he ever tasted as he took a giant bite. And the french fries melted in his mounth. He wasn't such a fan of junkfood but this really tasted heavenly. Suddenly the door opened and a a shabby-looking young man entered, soaked and numb from the rain and cold. His red hoodie was tattered, his trousers worn down to the wire, dirty and torn here and there. He looked like he  crawled out of the sewer. He took off his hood and you could hardly see if his hair was blond or brown. Merlin felt instantly sorry for the man who was obveously homeless. "Look at that poor fellow," he said to Lance and Gwen: "That's so terribly sad". Gwen turned at him, a warning look in her eyes. "Don't even think about it, Merlin", she warned: "We know how you want to help everybody, i swear to god, your heart is to big but this is not a stray cat or dog you can take home." Saddenly Merlin stared at his food. "I know," he mumbled: "but it's so heartbreaking to see somebody like this."

Poor guy moved over to the counter, placing his money on the top. The man behind the counter pulled his nose and made no attempt to help the poor man.   
"I would like a burger, please", the poor fellow said politely. "You can only order burger menus here," the man behind the counter snareled. "Allright", poor guy: "a menu then." The man behind the counter started to count the poor guy's money. "Menus start from 3 pounds 45, you don't have enough." Merlin got a feeling the man just didn't want to serve the poor guy. Nervously and ashamed Poor guy started to look in his pockets. "That's all i got," he mumbled. "Not enough", the man behind the counter said: "we don't want your kind here. Get out!" Both men squabbled a bit until poor guy turned around,and left with a defeated glance in his blue eyes, closing the door quietly after him. "Bloody hell," Merlin shouted: "Is this even for real?" He jumped from his chair, Gwen and Lancelot gaping at him open mounthed, and grabbed a bag from behind the counter, trowing all kinds of insultments at the man who refused to help poor guy, trowing his cheeseburgers, fries and his bowl of coleslaw in it and ran outside, chasing poor guy.

  
Merlin felt relieved when he could catch up with poor guy. The poor man looked happy with the food. They exchanged a few words, poor guy had a nice voice he thought by himself during the movie. "Damn," he said to Gwen: "I forgot to ask his name". Gwen looked at him. "Merlin, forget the guy, will you," she whispered: "You gave him your food, there is nothing else you can do. Now, will you shut it and watch the movie?" Quietly Merlin sank back in his chair, his thoughts wandering to poor guy. Who was he, were did he live? Was he sleeping on the streets in this dog weather? What if he got sick from cold and hunger? Would he ever see him again?

  
Merlin was very quiet all the way back. When he took his housekey out of his pocket, he stared at it in his hands. It reminded him how lucky he was having a roof above his head. He went inside and turned on the lights. No sign of Kilgharrah. Strange. In the kitchen Merlin opened a can of cat food and putted in Kilgharrah's bowl. But the cat didn't come. Merlin called his name, searched the whole house but Kilgharrah didn't show op. He was gone...


	3. Chapter 3

Arthur...

  
"Where do you come from?" Arthur asked the cat. With a smooth jump the beast dissapeared into the former living room sniffing the bag with food the stranger so kindly gave to Arthur. "Hungry, are you", Arthur said, opening the bag and trowing a bit of burger to the cat. The cat sat down and looked at arthur, his green eyes drilling into Arthurs. "That's all i got", Arthur spoke: "you know, you don't look like a stray to me." With a little hesitation the cat started to nibble at the piece of burger. Once he was finished, he crawled onto Arthur's lap, laying down. Instinctively arthur began to caress the cat. That's when he felt the cat's collar. It was blue and had a little tube you could open. Arthur turned the little tube open. It contained a paper on which something was written. He searched for his flash light in his backpack. "oh", he said to the cat: "Your name is Kilgharrah, and you live in sumatra road, here in hampstead. That's not so far from here." The cat looked at him as if he wanted to say: "Well duhh, einstein, tell me something i don't know." "Allright", Arthur said: "You are going home, mister, first thing in the morning.

  
The following morning Arthur woke by soft licks on his nose. "Ok, ok, i'm up", he said: "i don't have any breakfast for you, you know. We best get you home, mister, i think your owner will be very worried about your whereabouts." He took his old backpack and headed for the door. The cat followed him. "Maybe best that i carry you", Arthur said: "it is a bit dangerous with the cars and buses, you know." He bent to pick up the cat, but Kilgharrah jumped on his shoulders, proudly looking around. They both attracted a lot of attention as they walked through town. 15 minutes later Arthur looked at the green door of a small white house. "Think we are here, friend", he said to his companion. Hesitantly, he pushed the bell. A few seconds later the door openend and Arthur stared into two blue familiar eyes of a very familiar stanger. "You!", the young dark curled man shouted: "and you to", looking at Kilgharrah: "where the hell have you been you misfit? Oh, darn, where are my manners, please, come in."

  
Arthur looked around while he waited for tea, in the very cosy living room. The walls where a light color, not white but something in between. There was a thick red carpet on the dark parquet floor and the furniture was a mix of modern and antiques. A large bookcase stoold in the corner. Arthur never saw so many books in his life. "So", Merlin said balancing a tray in his one hand and in the other a plate with biscuits: "what's your name?" Arthur took the tray out of his hands and placed it down on the table. "i'm Arthur", he said: "what's yours?" Grinning the other man answered: "I'm Merlin, Merlin Emmerson." Arthur looked at him suspiciously. "Are you joking?" he asked. Merlin shook his head. "Nope," he said: "i'm very serious. My parents where into the arthurian legends. They 'blessed' me with that name. "Some blessing", Arthur mumbled. "So, erm, what, happened to you?" Merlin asked: "Why are you living on the streets?" Not comfortable, Arthur stared at his feet and shrugged. "Doesn't matter," he said: "i don't want to dwell in the past." Merlin smiled. "It's ok, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He patted Arthur on his shoulder and continued: "let me give you a reward for returning Kilgharrah." He took his wallet out of his pocket and took out 2 billets of 50 pounds and handed it over to Arthur. The other man stared at the money in his hand. "That's to much", he stammered: "I can't accept this." With a grin upon his face, Merlin answered: "Yes you can, Kilgharrah is priceless to me, he was my mum's cat, and my best friend. I insist, Arthur." He took arthur's hand and gave him the money. Arthur felt a slight jolt trough his body as Merlin's fingers touched his.

  
Outside the groccery shop Arthur looked at the money. He could buy food now, decent food. Suddenly he felt a heavy hand upon his shoulders. "Hey Artie, where have you been lately?" a crooked voice asked. Arthur turned around. "oh, hi, Mordred", he answered: "here and there, you know." Mordred nodded. "Sigan is back in town, you know," Mordred said. Arthur shook his head. "I'm on methadon, Mordred, i don't do heroine anymore." "Bullshit," the other man said: "Sure you can resist this?" He waved a little bag with a white substance in front of Arthur's face. Arthur stared at it as if he were hypnotized. "Thought so," Mordred said: "Here, it's for you, gift from Sigan", shoving the drugs into Arthur's hands.

  
Arthur was back at his hide-out, with no food. He felt the drugs burning in his pocket. He stared at it for hours until he couldn't resist anymore. This was probably so stupid but what the hell. One shot couldn't hurt right? With two trembling hands arthur took the needle and pushed the tip into his flesh. As he felled back onto his matrass tumbling into oblivion, he saw two green cat eyes staring at him...


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin....

  
Merlin woke up with the feeling he hadn't slept at all. He missed Kilgharrah next to him. How strange as it was, as soon as Merlin went to bed, the cat just nestled himself under the blankets ever since Merlin was a little boy. Merlin wondered where he could have gone to. It wasn't like Kilgharrah at all to go outside, to much people there. By god, the beast didn't even like people that much. In fact he hated them. Friends who came over to Merlin's house for years like Gwen and Lancelot, never got the chanse to pet him. He always crawled under the sofa until they were gone. Not even Gauis was able to touch him. In all the years Merlin knew Kilgharrah, he never, ever went outside.

  
With a sigh, Merin got out of bed, over the badroom. He splashed some cold water in his face. Looking at himself in the mirror he reminded himself he needed a haircut. His dark curls were getting a bit too long. He took his toothbrush and cleaned his theeth. The minty toothpaste made his nose tingle. With his long, slender fingers he turned the shower faucet open and took a long, satisfying shower. "Fuck," he cursed when he came from under the hot water: "it's damn chilly in here." The cold environment made goose bumps appear on his body. With the soft, light blue bath towel around his narrow hips, Merlin tiptoed to his room to pick out his outfit for the day. A jeans and his favorit green death cab for cutie with typewriter print shirt would do. And of course his old blue all stars. It was saturday afterall, so casual was good.

  
Downstairs, in the kitchen he stared at the bowl of Kilgharrah, the food untouched. His hunger was instantly gone. Suddenly the doorbel rang. "Who can that be, so early," Merlin thought wilest he opened the door. For a moment he was nailed to the ground. It was homeless guy from the other night, with Kilgharrah on his shoulder. "You!", Merlin shouted, a little startled from the volume of his own voice: "and you to, you misfit", to Kilgharrah.

  
Merlin's hands were shaking when he took both of the trays towards the livingroom. Homeless guys was looking around him like he had never seen the insides of a house in his life. Merlin thought it was kind of cute. Homeless dude must have noticed that his hands trembled by the way the porcelain teacups jiggled against each other because he took the tray from merlin's hands and placed it down on the table. Merlin took a good look at the guy, Arthur as he introduced himself. He wasn't that bad looking once you thought away the clothes and dirt. He had friendly, blue eyes and a pleasant voice. His theeth where slightly crooked but underneath the beard he had a kissable mouth. Merlin shook his head, startled from his own thoughts. Kissable mouth, what the hell? The poor man was homeless for crying out loud, his whole posture screamed that had experienced horrible things and the only thing Merlin thought about was his mouth, how his lips would taste. "I should be ashamed of myself", Merlin thought. To distract himself he offered Arthur a reward for returning Kilgharrah. Arthur eyes almost popped out of their soccets as he saw the amount in Merlin's hand. First he refused to take the money, so Merlin took the man's hand en putted the money in it. A slight jolt ran through his body as their fingers touched.

  
"So you made a new friend", Merlin said to Kilgharrah once Arthur had left. The cat was attacking his food as he hadn't eaten in days. "I should have asked him to stay", Merlin continued: "That was so stupid of me to let him leave like that." The cat stopped eating and gave him an 'i know so why didn't you, you baffoon' glare. "Yes, yes," i know Merlin said, the regret audibly in his voice: "but maybe we will see him again, right?" Kilgharrah watched him with his head a little crooked like he wanted to say: i will make sure you see him again.

  
Later that evening Merlin and Kilgharrah watched some television as usual. Merlin was dozing off suddenly ruffely awakend by the cat jumping from his lap, meowing and scratching. "hey," Merlin yelled:" What are you doing kill?" The cat's hair stoold strait up and he was schratching the front door violently. The dark man opened the door and the cat flew out with a panicking Merlin in his wake. "Kilgharrah, wait up", Merlin shouted as he followed the cat through the streets of Hampstead: "wait up you stupid beast!" He saw Kilgharrah entering an half burn down house. Merlin followed the cat inside, carefully watching his steps through the broken glass and rubbish . He stopped abruptly when he saw Arthur on the old decrepit, dirty mattress , the poor man's body fiercely convulsing, foam on his lips and the used needle still in his hand. "Oh god," Merlin cursed: "oh god no, what the fuck?" With trembling hands of panic and despaire he took his cell phone out of his pocked and called the emergency services...


	5. Chapter 5

Arthur....

  
Arthur woke up with a hospital scent in his nose. It felt like a lorry rode him over. The soft light of the night light hurted his eyes. Slowly he tried to sit up. A hand with slim, slender fingers was holding his. Then all of a sudden Arthur's eyes fell on the sleeping man in the hospital chair next to his bed. "Merlin," Arthur thought: "What is he doing here?" He remembered leaving Merlin's house, and oh, that's right, the drugs. But how on earth did Merlin get here, beside him? Arthur watched the sleeping man. His hair was a bit to long, and he did have ridiculus large ears. He had cheekbones that could cut glass, and a cute nose with freckles. But the only thing Arthur kept his eyes lingering on was Merlin's sensual mouth,which was slightly opened. Arthur wondered if those full lips were as soft as they looked. Gently he touched Merlin's mouth with the tips of his fingers. The hardly perceptible gesture woke Merlin up. Sheepishly, the dark-haired man rubbed his eyes, a bit disoriented for a few seconds. The almost childlike gesture was the cutest thing Arthur had ever seen. A soft smile played around Arthur's mouth until two fierce ice-cold blue eyes drilled into his.

  
"What the hell were you thinking?" Merlin raged, cold as ice: "you overdosed you turniphead, methadon and heroine? The doctors told me if i would have been a few minutes later, you would have died! A skaghead, is that what you are? Is that why you couldn't tell me why you are on the streets? You even have hepatitis c, caused by dirty needles or what ever, you dumb fuck, you bloody selfish idiot, you do not even think for one second about the people out there that may care about you!" Arthur listened to Merlin's tantrum with open mouth, to flabbergasted to answer. God, Arthur thought, Merlin was gorgeous when he was angry. "Are you even listening to me?" Merlin continued, like an overheated whistle kettle: "You could have died, you cabbagehead! Dead, stone-dead!" The angry young man's face was only few millimeters from Arthur's, so he could feel the warm breath on his face. Hypnotized Arthur stared at the movement of those full lips, not hearing a word Merlin said. Instinctively he pressed his lips on Merlin's, abruptly silencing him. Arthur doubted that his kiss would be answered as the first second Merlin did not move an inch. But then he felt a hesistant reciprocaly movement of Merlin's mouth, kissing him back. It felt like they were kissing for hours, tongues discovering each others mouth, exploring, at first hesitantly, but full of surrender and lust until a few moments later Merlin suddenly withdrew. "I can't do this," he said, his chest going up and down, from kissing and arousal : "I can't do this right now, Arthur, i just can't. Not with an addict. Not again. I can't loose someone i care about all over again. I'm sorry, not now." Before Arthur could say something, Merlin was gone, out the door, leaving behind a bewildered Arthur.

  
Arthur fell back in his pillow, thousands of thoughts flashing through his head. He kissed Merlin, a man. He kissed a man. Arthur never kissed a man before, he never had feelings for a man before in his entire life. There was something different about Merlin. He couldn't put his finger on it, but Merlin was definatly different. It was as if he had been drawn to Merlin, as if it had to be like that. He had kissed many women in his life, but it had never felt that way like now, with Merlin. It felt familiar and above all just right as if it had never been ment otherwise. Arthur took a deep breath. He had to get his life back on track. He had to become completely clean, swearing off all drugs, showing Merlin that he was a good man, that he meant it. He wondered what Merlin talked about when he said not again. Did Merlin knew someone else with an addiction? Was he hurt by them? And how did he loose that person? Did they die? Whas that why he got so angry? With those puzzling thoughts Arthur drifted asleep.

  
2 days later Arthur was allowed to leave the hospital. He had to register with a consultant every day and collect his dose of methadone from the pharmacist. He really wanted to become clean. He had not seen Merlin since that night, so his heart pounded in his throat as he stood in front of the familiar green door. With lead in his shoes he pushed the doorbell. When the door opened, he was shocked by the sight of Merlin. His eyes were red and swollen from crying, his skin ashen. He was unshaven, with black stubble on his face, barefooted and his hair stood in all directions. He was wearing a green checkered flannel pajama that seemed to be 2 sizes too big so he had to hold on to the bottoms otherwise they would have fallen off. "Jesus," Arthur said: "you look even worse than me. Look, Merlin, please, can i come in? Please." The other man nodded slowly and let arthur inside, Kilgharrah in his wake...


	6. Chapter 6

Merlin...

  
Merlin's brain stopped working the moment he felt Arthur's lips on his. He no longer knew what to do or think, the only thing he could concentrate on was the blissful feeling of demanding lips on his and the soft moans escaping Arthur's throat. Or was he the one moaning? Merlin felt Arthur's fingers in his hair, pulling him closer, the roughness of the other man's beard abrasive against his face. His whole body was tingling with pleasure and excitement. He felt Arthur's tongue over his lips, instinctively he opened his mouth. Arthur plundered his mouth, nibbled his on lower lip, making Merlin crazy with heat. He felt Arthur's by calluses weathered hands slid under his shirt, caressing his heated skin and pulling him closer. If he did not stop making Merlin mad with want, Merlin knew he could no longer hold back and other things would happen here in the hospital bed. Hospital bed. Those two words did ring alarm bells in Merlin's head. He could not do this, he had to stop. He had to stop before it was to late. He made himself loose from Arthur's arms, his heart pounding in his chest. This was wrong, this was absolutely wrong. He looked at arthur, the other man had a questioning, incomprehensible look in his eyes. Merlin knew he could not stay, he had to leave before everything fell apart. He had to get out of there, he had to get away. Tears welled up in his eyes as he closed the door of the hospital room behind him, leaving a bewildered Arthur behind.

  
He ran across the street, he wanted to go home, he wanted to forget everything that happenend. Merlin could bash his own head in right now. What was he thinking? What was he doing? How on earth could he have been that stupid? He was so upset that he did not feel the cold raindrops on his skin. Tears streamed over his face, which produced curious looks from unsuspecting passers-by. For a moment merlin had forgotten everything, by 1 stupid kiss, simply forgetting everything he had experienced with Gwaine. Gwaine, with whom he had been together for 4 years until he died of an overdose. Party-animal Gwaine who had easily hid his addiction from Merlin for months until Merlin had found him in their bathroom, dead, the needle still sticking in his arm. For 7 weeks Merlin couldn't eat or sleep. He had seen that image over and over again before his eyes until he almost had taken his own life. Broken down from sorrow , grief and guilt he tried to cut his wrists. Thank god his friends had found him in time. For months they no longer left him alone, forced him to eat, mothering him like a child, never losing him out of sight. The only witness of that period was the scar on his wrist, hidden away under his leather wristband. And now he was about to make that same mistake, falling for someone with an adiction, someone he might love even more than Gwaine.

  
At home, he ran, without paying attention to kilgharrah, up the stairs and into the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror. Soaking wet he was, raindrops fell from his hair, his lips still swollen from the heated kisses. Confounded he did not want to think about what would have happened if he had stayed. Arthur had crawled under his skin, in the short time that he had come to know him. One side of him did not want to go any further, another side yearned for him. With trembling fingers he pulled off his soaking wet clothes and put on his pajamas.

  
The moment Kilgharrah crawled in bed next to him, Merlin started to crie again, sobbing like child, his whole body shaking. The cat stayed with him, shoving a little bit closer, as if he wanted to comfort his sad owner.  
Merlin stayed in bed for two days, he didn't want to hear nore see anybody. Emptiness was the only thing he felt. Emptiness and loss . He missed arthur but did not find the strength to look for him. Downstair Kilgharrah was meowing. The poor beast must be hungry, Merlin thought. With all his willpower he forced himself to stand up and go downstairs. He felt sick, weak and a hundred percent sure he got a fever.

  
When the doorbell rang, he doubted whether he was going to open it. Reluctantly he dragged himself towards it and turned the knob. It was Arthur, begging to be allowed inside. Merlin nodded en let him in. Arthur was talking but Merlin didn't hear what we was saying. The whole room was spinning. "Arthur," he said with a weak voice: "i don't feel so good." The blonde turned around, and saw Merlin falterering. The last thing Merlin felt were two strong arms catching him...


	7. Chapter 7

Arthur...

  
Arthur felt relieved when Merlin decided to let him in. They really needed to talk. "Thank you for letting me in", Arthur said: "i want to talk to you, explaine some things." Merlin interupted him, with a weak voice: "Arthur, i don't feel so good." The blonde turned around just in time to catch Merlin who fainted. For a moment, Arthur didn't know what to do with the unconsious man in his arms. He saw Kilgharrah running up the stairs, so he followed the cat into Merlin's bedroom. Very gently he laid Merlin down on the bed. "Hey", he said, tapping the other man on his jaw: "wake up, Merlin, come on." Slowly merlin opened his eyes, fever droplets forming on his forehead. "Poor thing," Arthur said: "i think you have a serious fever. Do you want me to call a doctor? " Weakly, Merlin shook his head. "It's just a cold", he stammered: "and i haven't eaten anything the past two days." Arthur looked at him comprehensively. "My mother used to make me chickensoup when i got a cold," he told Merlin: "I'm going to cook you some. You'll feel better in a jiffy." When he made a move to leave the room Merlin grabbed his hand. "Arthur, i'm sorry about before, can we talk later?" he asked with a small voice. Arthur nodded. "We'll talk, that's why i wanted to see you", he promised: "but first soup."

  
In the cozy kitchen Arthur rummaged in the cabinets and fridge. Thank god Merlin had fresh vegetables and chicken broth in the house. He cutted carrots, leek, celery and onions into pieces and threw them into the pot. With the swung of a masterchef, at least he felt like that, he added the broth and let everything simmer. The whole house was soon filled with the delicious chicken soup scent. At least Arthur hoped it would be delicious. He wasn't much of a kitchen prince. His greatest culinary splurge when he still lived with his father was scrambled egg. And he let it burn. Once the soup was ready he poured a large bowl for Merlin and brought it upstairs.  
Merlin was fast asleep. He layed on his side, completely under the blankets, only his head was visible. His mouth was slightly ajar, and he drooled a little on his pillow. To Arthur, it was the most adorable thing he had ever seen. Because Kilgharrah jumped on the bed, Merlin woke up.  
A bit drowsy he accepted the bowl of soup from Arthur and started to eat. Once he was done, Merlin didn't finished all of it, that bowl was really big, he made a gesture to arthur to sit next to him. "I need to explain why I ran away," he said. With a trembling voice and the occasional lump in the throat he told the whole Gwaine story to Arthur. At the end, he bursted into tears. The only thing Arthur could do was holding him firmly and whispering comforting words. "I don't want to go through that a second time," Merlin cried: "I don't want to lose you, I would not be able to handle it." Arthur took his face in both hands and looked him deep in the eyes. "I will get clean, Merlin, I promise," he swore: "i will get clean!"

  
Merlin crept close to him, and flattered his head down on Arthur's shoulder. "Swear it, " he whispered: "Swear it on the thing you love most." With a small smile around his mouth Arthur answered: "i swear on your life, Merlin." The other man smiled back. "Arthur", he said very seriously: "You need a shower, you stink." Arthur started to laugh. "I know," he said: "but i don't have anything clean to wear." Merlin pointed at the bottom drawer of his closet. "There are some clothes in there, most of them to big for me since i lost some weight" he said: "you can wash your own clothes downstairs, washing machine and dryer in the basement. New toothbrush and razor blades under the sink in the bathroom." Arthur nodded and prepared to stand but Merlin stopped him. "I want you to stay here," he said: "just stay." Arthur nodded. He did not know if he could ever miss Merlin again.

  
"Right", Arthur said to himself ,after his beneficent shower, in the mirror: "time you make you look like yourself again." He took a pair of scissors and began to cut off his golden hair that had grown far too long. With the same scissors he cut off a piece of his long beard and started shaving himself until his face was as smooth as a baby's bottom. When finished and finally satisfied with the result he looked like a completely different man. He did not like the taste of Merlin's toothpaste, the mint tickled in his nose. He could only put on the pajama pants, it was a little tight but doable, but the top was not an option, it was far too narrow for arthur's still broad shoulders. He had lost a lot of muscle mass, and a few too ponds to, but was still a large man. Whistling Arthur cleared up the mess and went downstairs with his dirty clothes to wash.

  
In the kitchen Merlin was busy making himself a cup of tea. He turned when he heard arthur and was nailed to the ground,wide-eyed like a deer caught in the headlights of a car , the cup tumbling on the ground, and spit open in hundreds of pieces. "Holy shit,"he said in amazement: "you look gorgeous." His soft fingers touched arthur, as if he were not sure he could trust his sight. "What are you doing out of bed?" asked Arthur with a reprimanding tone in his voice: "you are sick, you are supposed to be resting." "I wanted tea, i feel a bit better anyway", the other man answered, still not sure if it was actually Arthur that stood in front of him. Arthur took a chair at the kitchen table and made Merlin sit. "Stay put before you faint again," he said: "i'll be right back." He felt Merlin's eyes burn in his back as he descended the cellar stairs.

  
"Where do i sleep?" he asked Merlin when he had escorted him back up. The other man kept staring at Arthur. Arthur started to wonder if Merlin had suffered a brain infarction as there came no answer, just that stare that continued. He snapped his fingers for Merlin's face which seemed suddenly woken up and back amongst the living. "Here," he replied shyly: "it's a large bed, place enough for two." With a face as red as a beet Merlin knocked back the blankets and let Arthur getting into bed. A few moments later the cat nestled himself between the two men watching them sleep like a rose....


	8. Chapter 8

Merlin....

  
Merlin watched Arthur disapearing into the bathroom very much doing his best not to stare at Arthur's wellshaped bum. He heared Arthur turning on the watertap and the soft rustling of chothes getting removed. And he definatly didn't try to imagine what Arthur looked like naked. His mouth felt dry and when he heared Arthur whistle and even sing a little, Merlin just had to get out of that room.

  
Merlin rushed downstairs, trying to take his mind of Arthur by making himself a cup tea. In the cupboard he had a whole arsenal of different flavors of tea. Mint and camomile where his favorits. But this time he decided that something stronger was more in place. He choose Barry's original blend, a bit stronger than his herbal teas. Kilgharrah jumped on the counter, waiting for his cup of milk. "yes, yes," Merlin said to the cat: "i haven't forgotten about you, you know." With a soft thud he placed down the cup of milk on the floor. "you know you not allowed to jump on the counter, kill", Merlin said with a reprimanding tone in his voice. The cat gave no reaction, the milk was far more intressting. Merlin sighed and took the kettle from the fire and poured the almost boiling water and the tea bag in the cup. Four and a half minutes later, his tea was ready. Just as he wanted to take a sip, he heared a sound behind him. Merlin turned around and his mind went instantly blank.

  
Arthur stoold there, halfnaked in front of him, his golden hair still damp from the shower. He wore some old pajama troussers of Merlin, they were a bit tight and left nothing to the imagination. His torso was bared, and god, that was a washboard? Arthur's face was shaven, which brought out his strong jawline. Merlin wanted to say something, but no words came out of his mouth. He could not resist to take arthur's face in his hands. "So soft," he whispered. The next thing he felt was Arthur, who put him on a chair with soft force. Merlin licked his lips, shamelessly staring at arthur's ass as he went into the cellar. He just could not help but stare, that perfect peach shaped arse in the thight pajama pants screamed to be stared at. Merlin headdesked on the kitchen table, thinking he was so dead. "it's a bloody adonis", he complained to Kilgharrah: "i invited a bloody greek god into my house."

  
When Arthur returned they both went upstairs. The whole way up was pure agony for Merlin as he followed Arthur, his perfect buttocks rocking before Merlin's face. Merlin quickly crept under his sheets, he did not understand how it became suddenly so hot in the room. Full of disbelief he kept staring at Arthur's face, the blondes lips moved but Merlin had not heard a word about what arthur was saying. Two fingers clicked in front of his eyes. "Where do i sleep?" Arthur asked. "Here", Merlin aswered: "it's a large bed, place enough for two." Wait, what? Did he just say that? There went his intention to take it easy. Arthur crawled under the covers and as soon as his head touched the pillow he fell asleep like a log. His soft snores had a relaxing effect on Merlin, who also drifted into sleep.

  
In the middle of the night Merlin woke up by a heavy weight on his body . Apparently Arthur had turned himself in his sleep, and he was lying half on Merlin, his hand dangerously close to his crotch. "Shit, shit, shit", Merlin thought: "oh shit." He did not dare to move, with the result that he was wide awake. Arthur shifted in his sleep, now fully placing his hand on Merlin's third leg. Merlin felt how he became half hard. Carefully he tried to move up a little, but it just made things worse, as if he was rubbing himself against Arthur's hand. Merlin was dying a thousand deaths trying to think about something else. "Fuck," he whispered: "oh bloody fuck, this is really not so good, this is bad." He tried to move again, but the movement of the mattress caused Arthur to awaken. "What's wrong?" he asked Merlin with a sleepy voice: "can't you sleep?" The other man was only able to make a squeeky sound. Then Arthur came to full awareness of what was going on. "Oh, shit, Merlin, i'm so sorry," Arthur said apologetically. Merlin did not say a word but flew like an arrow from an arch into the bathroom.

  
He sat down on the cold floor, with a very inconvenient hard on between his legs. It was impossible to lay a hand on himself, he would die of shame if Arthur would hear it. The only thing Merlin could think of was a cold shower. He jumped under the cold water with clothes and all. Suddenly the door opened and a very worried looking Arthur came in. "What in earthsname are you doing?" he asked Merlin. Merlin stared at him, looking like a drowned baby seal. "I, erm, i was sleepwalking", he stammered: "yes sleepwalking, that's it." Incredulously Arthur looked at him. "Really Merlin, sleepwalking?" he smiled: "thank god you are awake now, maybe you can do something about that boner ",as he stared boldly at Merlin's crotch. "Or i can fix it for you, your choice", he added laughing out loud as he left an open mounthed Merlin alone in the bathroom. A cocky kilgharrah looked at Merlin, and if it had been possible, he would have shaken his little head...


	9. Chapter 9

Arthur....

  
"Sleepwalking", Arthur smiled as he left Merlin in the bathroom, gaping like fish. That was the most ridiculus explanation he ever heared. But also the most original one. Poor Merlin, Arthur thought, he really looked like a drowned baby bunny in there. What kind of idiot jumped with clothes and all under the shower to get rid of a rigid member? Arthur smiled as he imagined Merlin's mortified face when Arthur said he wanted to help. The moment Arthur suggested it he had been momentarily taken aback by his own words. But on the other hand, he could no longer deny the fact that he was most definatly and seriously attracted to Merlin. Mentally and physically. The first few seconds when he woke up and felt Merlin's stiff he did not want to take his hand away. And to be honest, it did not feel like Merlin was under-endowed there.

  
A little cough startled him out of his thoughts. Merlin walked into the bedroom, with nothing more than a bath towel around his waiste. Arthur gaped at him. Water drops fell from his thick, dark, still wet hair, and made their way across his chest, and Arthur had no choice but to follow their path. Merlin was more muscled than he had imagined. Broader shoulders then suspected , muscled arms, not too much muscled, but still muscular, a perfect silky pale skin with dark hair on his chest. He had narrow hips, long legs, and he walked around like a queen who had fallen from her throne. It seemed like he was having an inner conflict with himself. Arthur cleared his throat. The other man stood still before Arthur, pondering. But in a fraction of a second the thoughtful look changed into a self-assured look that lasted a few moments, and Merlin let go of the towel. Even if the ceiling had fallen on Arthur's head, he certainly could not have been more shocked and surprized.

  
Merlin crawled on his lap, completely naked. The soft, invading light of the moon gave him an etheral glow. " I choose help", he whispered with a hoarse voice in Arthur's ear: "So stop staring at me and do something." Motionless, Arthur kept looking at him as if he were on another planet. "Please," Merlin begged whilest giving soft kisses on the spot just below Arthur's earlobe: "Please Arthur, you are driving me crazy here." That awakened Arthur from his almost catatonic state. He had no clue what to do, and he felt suddenly extremely insecure, but he did not want to show it to Merlin, who had apparently so much more experience. Arthur began to nibble gently on one of Merlin's nipples, and by the moaning sounds Merlin made it was not such a bad idea. Merlin pushed him back so that he lay flat on his back. He felt the other man slid his hands under the waistband of his pajamatroussers. "Lift your arse," Merlin comanded and with one smooth movement the garment had disappeared, leaving Arthur enveloped in nothing else than the cool air. Merlin's mouth seemed to be everywhere, leaving sweet tingeling spots on Arthur's skin. Boldly Arthur's mouth searched Merlin's and he kissed him hard and aggressively, sliding his tongue inside, while his hand searched for Merlin's now fully erected penis, giving it a few strokes. "Easy," Merlin whispered, his voice full with want: "Keep doing that and i'll come within 3 seconds." Gently he took Arthurs hand and stopped him. "Not yet," he said and moved his attention from Arthur's mouth to his half hard member. Arthur was truly convinced that no woman could do what Merlin did with his mouth and hands. One of his hands was cupped around the base of Arthurs cock and he squeezed it lightly, swirling his tonque around the underside of the head, driving Arthur up the closet. Arthurs fingers were ruffeling through Merlin's thick curls, and he couldn't possibly stop his hips from pounding into Merlin's mouth. He was tense as the steam in a high-pressure boiler. Before he could give a warning Arthur came down Merlin's throat. It was unbelievably overwhelming, it made him see stars. Merlin swallowed and milked Arthur to the last drop. His orgasm slowly decreased, and Merlin kissed him. He could taste himself in Merlin's mouth. Whilest Arthur slowly recoved from that frenzied climax, he saw Merlin jerking himself off.

  
"Wait," Arthur said, stopping Merlin's hand: "Let me." Half-hearted he positioned himself between Merlin's legs and wanted to take merlin's member in his mouth but the other man stopped him. "You don't have to," Merlin assured him: "Not if you don't want to." With a little more confidence he reconcentrated on Merlin's fairly large, thick, swollen, hard cock, closing his lips arround the top. The taste was briny, masculine and not bad at all. Arthur used the flat of his tongue and licked from the base to the top. By the longing sound that escaped Merlin's throat Arthur knew he was doing something right. Gently squeezing, he took the base and began sucking at the top. Merlin was now swearing and cursing out loud, his whole body trembling with excitement, closing his eyes, hands grabbing the blanket so thight that his knuckles were turning white. Suddenly he took Arthur by the hair and started pushing deep into Arthur's throat. Gagging and with tears in the eyes the blond man continued to suck until Merlin spilled his come into his mouth. Both men were wet with sweat, their bodies trembling with exertion.

  
After a while, when they were both calmed down a bit, Arthur looked at Merlin. He layed on his back with closed eyes and a big smile on his mouth, unabashedly savoring the moment. "it was absolutely unworldly" , Merlin whispered, feeling the eyes of Arthur on him: "You are incredibly hot, you know that? It was so good." "So are you," replied Arthur with a confident grin on his face. Merlin straightened up and kissed Arthur, very gently. Tired but satisfied the darkhaired man nested himself with Arthur's arm around him, his head on Arthur's chest, his fingers rotating circles around Arthur's nipples. "Sex god," he whispered drifting into sleep: " i invited a greek sex god into my house."

  
Arthur layed awake for half an hour, studying Merlin, who slept deeply, his chest moving up and down rhythmically, softly snoring. Arthur was enraptured by the sight of the serene man in his arms, and he swore to himself that he would protect him and make him happy for the rest of his life. Merlin had stolen his heart. And with that thought, Arthur fell in a dreamless sleep. From the windowsill 2 green cat eyes looked endearingly at the two sleeping men...

 


	10. Chapter 10

Merlin....

  
Merlin took a long look at himself in the bathroom mirror. Had he just understood correctly what Arthur suggested? Was Arthur serious? Did Arthur feel the same as he did? With a dry throat he removed his soaked pajamas and took a bath towel. Would he do it? Would he finaly be able to take that step? With mixed feelings he walked into the bedroom, aware of Arthur's gaze on his half-naked body. From the corner of his eyes he saw the other man staring and licking his lips. So he was serious about it. A little uncertain he stood in front of Arthur. The blond man kept staring, and Merlin saw his Adam's apple go up and down when he swallowed nervously. "That's it," Merlin thought by himself: "Here goes nothing", and dropped the towel.

  
It had turned out to be the right decision when he layed in Arthurs arms afterwards. Merlin felt safe and happy with Arthur. Never it had felt so good. Merlin felt wanted. And it felt so familiar, as if he and Arthur had been together for years.

  
The next morning Merlin was awakened by whistling birds. The sun was shining through the half-open curtain and it seemed as if Arthur's hair was even more golden than usual. The blond man was still in a deep sleep, he looked so peaceful. His mouth hung a little open and here and there he had a love bite. Merlin's fault. Softly Merlin played with his blond locks, until Arthur openend his eyes. "Hi there," Merlin said: "goodmorning sexy." Lazy, Arthur stretched out and pulled Merlin on top of him, pressing his lips on Merlin's. "Who's the sexy one here?", he asked grinning like a schoolboy. Merlin's eyes fell on the alarmclock standing on the nightstand. "Shit," he cursed: "i'm going to be late for work, uncle Gauis is going to kill me." Arthur turned around and was also shocked by the time. "Your uncle is going to kill you and my psychologist I have to report to on a daily basis will kill me," Arthur panicked. Both got out of bed quickly, and showered together, saving time and water. Well, sort of.

  
They both had to go in sepperated directions, but they agreed to have lunch together and buy new clothes for Arthur. After a long, blissful kiss, which was repeated 3 times Merlin hurried to the tube. Normally he would have been annoyed by the hustle and bustle when he got of at Piccadilly, but today he just whistled and greeted everyone he passed. The old doorbell rang when he opened the door to his uncle's antique shop and the old man gave him the eyebrow when he entered. "Where have you been?" Gauis asked: "you are 45 minutes late." Merlin was foolishly smiling and took his uncle in his arms, kissing the old man on the cheek. "Goodmorning my favorit uncle in the whole, wide world, isn't this a glorious day today?" he said cheeky. The old man shook his head and muttered something that looked like: "Cheeky brat, in my time the youth was on time and they knew the art of excusing."

  
Merlin spent the whole morning working on cataloging the inventory and unpacking a series of old books but his thoughts were with a certain blonde adonis. By midday the doorbell rang and the subject of his thoughts entered the store. Merlin quickly left the books for what they were and flew Arthur around the neck. "Are you ready," the blonde asked. Merlin nodded and grabbed his coat. His uncle came from the storage room and asked : "Well, aren't you going to introduce us, you shabby nitwit?" Merlin took Arthur by the hand and led him to his uncle. "Arthur, this is uncle Gauis." he said: "Gauis, this is Arthur." Gauis putted his glasses slightly right on his nose and looked inquisitorial at Arthur. "Pleasure to meet you, sir", Arthur said politely. "Hmm," Gauis answered: "At least this one has manners. Well, of you go lads, of you go." He made a fluttering movement with his hand to make it clear to them that they could leave. Merlin took Arthur by the hand they walked out.

  
"He seems a bit grumpy," Arthur said, biting in his veggie sandwich during lunch. Merlin shrugged. "He is not so bad once you get to know him", he answered: "besides, he likes you, he made you a compliment." Arthur laughed: "That was a compliment aye." Merlin smiled to. "How was your day so far,?" Merlin asked. Arthur smiled. "Good", he replied: "few more weeks and i can stop with the methadon." "That is fantastic news," Merlin said: "but wont that be to hard?" Arthur shook his head. "I know it won't be easy, i will be seriously ill, but it's what i want. It's what i promised you," he answered honestly. "I'm here for you", Merlin said: "and i will be at your side." He gave Arthur an encouraging smile.

  
After shopping, they were both loaded like donkeys. Underwear, stockings, trousers, sweaters, t-shirts, shirts, shoes, a coat ... it was a whole wardrobe that they had bought. Arthur was a bit embarrassed at first about the fact that Merlin had to pay for everything but Merlin said that if he had found work, he could repay everything later. They strolled through the shopping street until arthur suddenly stood, nailed to the ground. A stately older man came outside a shop and stared at Arthur. "That's my father," Arthur whispered to Merlin: "shit, he is comming this way." The stately man stood in front of Merlin and Arthur, a haughty look in eyes. "Arthur," he said with a cold voice: "you almost look good." Arthur lowered his eyes and looked at his shoes. "Thank you, sir", he mumbled. "Still on drugs?" the man asked. Arthur shook his head. "No sir," he said: "on methadon, i'm almost clean." "Almost isn't clean, Arthur," the older man replied: "it's almost." Without another word, the man continued his way. "jeez", Merlin whispered: "What a creep." Arthur nodded but didn't say another word.

  
During dinner, back at Merlin's place, Arthur told Merlin about his youth. The more he told, the more Merlin's heart broke. He did not understand how a father could treat his son like that. He cuddled arthur and swore never to let him go again...


	11. Chapter 11

Arthur...

He watched Merlin as he walked down the street. Arthur could not believe that, at first glance an absolut and total innocent-looking man, could be such a beast in bed. Arthur came to the conclusion that he was not gay, he was Merlinay, or whatever you wanted to call it. He smiled as he heared the other man whistleling and looking really happy. And did he just bowed to that old lady? Merlin looked happy and when Merlin was happy, then Arthur was too. Arthur looked at the clock on the church tower and frowned. Damn, he was going to be late.

  
"So", the lady of drug counseling asked (Her name was Syrah, but Arthur just kept calling her ma'm) : "you look quite different." Arthur nodded. "I met someone", he answered. Syrah looked at him intently. "Are you sure now is the time for relational whims?", she asked. With a furious look Arthur answered with a louder voice : "He is not a caprice, or what so ever. He is the most amazing man you could ever meet. He has a kind heart, and the only person alive who could see through my appearance. He is giving me a chance, although he himself has been hurt badly by losing someone to drugs. And I want to take that chance with both hands, I want to show him that he is worthy for me to get my life on track. I do this, not only for myself, I also do it for him. I want to look him in the eye as a man who is clean, a man who deserves him." Syrah began to smile. "Finally," she said calmly: "Finally you have something to fight for. Finally you have found your purpose, your goal. Someone that motivates you. Arthur, i think you are almost ready to take the next step. Few more weeks with that passion , and you are completaly clean. You have a whole different attitude. Well done! " Arthur beamed. When he walked through the door after they said goodbye (He called her Syrah now) he snickered: "Actually, it's all cat merit."

Merlin's eyes showed those nice wrinkles when he laughed. He almost looked like Chinese when he did. Arthur thought it was the cutest thing that there was. They had a lot of fun shopping. Especially when he insisted that Arthur should try that horrible pink shirt with yellow flowers. When Arthur came out of the fitting room, Merlin was almost double pleated from laughing. They had bought a lot. Well, Merlin at least. For him. But he had promised to repay everything as soon as he found work. As they came from the fatface shop, Arthur saw his father in the distance. His heart sank in his shoes and he felt like he was hyperventilating. A few words were exchanged but his father was, as always, denigrating. Arthur would never understand why he had never been good enough and would never be good enough.

That evening at dinner, he finally opened up to Merlin. "It all started when my mother died", Arthur told Merlin: "he blamed me for her death. I was 7 years old, still a kid, and it a whas a drunken driver that took my mother's life, when she came to pick me up from my music lessons. My father said that if I had never wanted to go to music lessons, my mother would still be alive. From then on, i could do nothing good. Nothing about me was good enough. An A minus whas enough to get punished. He once broke my arm. He also liked to keep me on my knees all night, on the hard floor, at the foot of his bed. Preferably with a thick phone book raised above my head." With a shaky voice Arthur continued: "when Kathtrina appeared in our lives it was even worse. She really hated me. I was just in my puberty, and I also made stupid mistakes". Tears fell down his cheeks. Merlin was sitting next to him, holding his hand all the time. " I liked to party, to lose myself, when i got high i didn't had to think about home. It felt like all sorrows just disapeared." Merlin squeezed his hand a little harder. "My two halfbrothers, that was the drop. The new parade horses of my father. The old donkey, me that was, he could not perform an 'o look at him, my pride and joy' show like that anymore. At the youngest's birthday, he trew me on the streets. Just like that. Merlin was white, there was no color to be seen in his face. Big fat tears rolled down his face, he was crying without making a sound. Arthur felt how much he sympathized with him, his arms around him, without the intention of ever letting go. They sat there for a moment, entwined in each other's arms, and the paws of a very compassionate cat, who, if it were possible, would have wept too...


	12. Chapter 12

Merlin...

  
Arthur's face. The sadness that could be read on it. His eyes. The pain that they expressed. Merlin would never be able to understand how a father could treath his son like that. He never knew his father. The only thing he had from the man was a watch. A chain watch with the name Balinor Emmerson engraved. Merlin's mother never wanted to talk about him. She still loved him, Merlin knew that. Every year the same two dates he has seen his mother cry more than once. Merlin's birth and the twenty first of may. He didn't know if his father was dead or if he just abandoned them. Merlin sighed, he could not get back to sleep by all the thoughts that went through his head. Perhaps a cup of hot milk with honey would help, he thought. Barefoot and very quietly,not to awaken arthur, he stood up and went downstairs.

  
Half an hour later, his slender fingers played with his cup of warm milk, whishing he could ask his mother what kind of man his father was. Kilgharrah was sitting on the floor next to him, licking his own bowl of milk. "Did you knew my father?" he asked the cat: "To bad you can't talk." The cat stopped drinking and looked thoughtfully at him. Suddenly he walked into the sitting room, meowing and scratching the small, black desk. Of course, Merlin thought, his mother's desk. He was never been allowed to open it by his mother. And since the 6 months she had died, he had forgotten about the little thing completaly. His fingers trembled a little as he turned the small key. Occasionally he threw a few anxious eyes over his shoulder, like a schoolboy who was afraid of being caught doing something naughty, wich was stupid, he was in his own house, in the middle of the night, without his mother around to catch him.

  
The little thing was full of papers, old photographs, a few jewels and a small wooden cigar box. He didn't remember he ever saw that box before. Slowly, as if he were holding an ancient treasure, he opened the box. They where letters, yellowed by time, and a picture on which his mother, with a thick pregnant belly, was hanging on the arm of a tall, broad man with black hair and a beard, in it. The first thing Merlin thought was that the man had his eyes. Or merlin his. "I think that's my father," Merlin whispered to Kilgharrah. The cat stared at him with a typical well duhh sherlock gaze. Merlin looked at the photo attentively.

  
The man had the same eyes, no mistake in that, the same cheekbones, which, albeit slightly, where blocked by the heavy black beard, and the same smile as Merlin. He looked taller than Merlin, and he had broader shoulders. He looked really happy and he had a broad smile on his face. Long minutes, Merlin stared at the photo, sitting on the floor between the papers and the rubbish. Suddenly a voice,which startled him, asked : "Merlin, do you think now is the time to start spring cleaning?" Arthur stood in the doorway, with folded arms that would have come across as intimidating, if his hair should not have risen in all directions. Merlin shook his head. "I coudn't sleep," he answered: "I was thinking about my father, and i found this photograph. I think that's him." He gave the photo to arthur, who came curiously further. "He sure looks like you, Merlin," the other man said: "definatly the same eyes." Sadly merlin looked at him. "I never knew him," he said: "and my mother never wanted to talk about him. The only thing i have is a name and that photo." With frowning eyebrows, Arthur asked him: "A name, that's a lot to start with. Can't you ask your uncle?" Merlin's face brightened. "Of course," he tjirped: "oh man, i'm so stupid, why didn't i think of that." He grabbed Arthur's hand and went to the door. "hold your horses" , the other man said, laughing: " Not now, you idiot, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and you're in your boxer shorts. Do you want your uncle to kill you for sure? Come back to bed, Merlin." Complaining, the other man allowed himself to be pushed up the stairs. "I wont be able to sleep," he yammered. "Not a problem," the blond answered with a twinkle in his eyes: "who said anything about sleeping?"


	13. Chapter 13

Arthur....

  
Arthur woke up with an empty place beside him in bed. And by the feeling of Merlin's spot, he was alone in bed for a while, Merlin's spot had cooled down, it was cold. Arthur got out of bed, it was chilly in the room and went downstairs.

  
He saw merlin sitting on the floor of the living room, surrounded by rubbish, staring at a piece of paper in his hand. Startled, he looked up when arthur asked if he was doing the spring cleaning. It was about his father, he told Arthur, and how he had never known him. Arthur knew how it felt, he himself had a father, but he felt that he did not really know him, and would probably never know him. He looked at the photo that Merlin had given him. The man was very similar to Merlin. And somewhere Arthur had a feeling that he had seen the man before somewhere. He looked familiar.

  
Back in bed, Merlin crept close to him. "Do you think he might be still alive?" he asked Arthur. Arthur did not know, and he did not want to give Merlin false hope. So he just answered yes, and decided to look for the man he thought he recognized in the picture. He had a slight suspicion of where to look. He remembered he once met a man, at King's Cross, giving him a blanket for the night. It looked like he had a permanent shelter there.

  
The next morning they had breakfast together, something that arthur really liked. Merlin was an expert in making the perfect eggs. Not to dry, and not snotty, they where really perfect. With taste he took a bite of his perfect toast and drank from his hot coffee, strong, with a lump of sugar, just as Arthur liked. Merlin, on the other hand, was not that hungry. With his fork, he played with his eggs, and constantly glanced at the clock. Arthur smiled, he understood that the young man was sitting on hot coals to ask his uncle about his father. Arthur emptied his plate and saw how Merlin took a sigh of relief.

  
They said goodbye to each other, through a long kiss. Merlin rushed to the metro and Arthur took the bus to the city center. He had to get his dose of methadone, he felt already high-strung a bit, and then decided to visit one of his old mumping places. At the king's cross station, with many tourists, beggars came to benefit from their generosity. 

  
Arthur looked around and spotted the man he thought that maybe could be the man in the picture. His once dark hair was greyish here and there now, his beard dirty. He wore a long black, dirty coat and fingerless gloves. His eyes, on the other hand, were the unmistakable evidence that it was indeed the man who was in the picture. He sat down on a piece of cardboard with his little cup of change in front of him.

  
A little hesitant Arthur settled down beside the man, and deposited a piece of 1 pound in the cup. The man nodded gratefully to Arthur. "I'm Arthur," Arthur introduced himself with outstretched hand. The man shook his hand and replied: "balinor." "bad weather, don't you think," Arthur said, trying to make some smalltalk. The other man looked at him suspiciously. "What do you want?" he asked, a bit surly. Arthur swallowed briefly and said: "I don't want anything, but i think there is someone who is dying to get to know you. Your son, Merlin Emmerson."

  
"I have no son," answered the other man. Arthur was not so easily dismissed and took the picture that he had secretly put in his pocket that morning, and kept it in front of the man's nose. "That's you, right," he said with a firm voice. Balinor stared at the picture, shocked and he did not know what to answer for a while. He took the photo carefully from Arthur's hands and looked at it long and attentively. When he looked at arthur, tears were visible in his eyes. "She told me he died at birth," he answered slowly: She swore that he had not survived birth." Arthur shook his head. "No," he said: "he is very much alive, and determined to find you." Balinor stared at his feet. "What's he like?" Balinor asked. Arthur smiled: "he is the kindest, sweetest, most beautiful man you could ever meet." Balinor looked at Arthur intently. "you almost sound like you love him." he answered. Arthur nodded. "I believe i do," he said: "and once you meet him, so will you. You will adore him." "Meet him?" Balinor asked: "i don't think i'm ready to meet him yet." Before arthur could say something, balinor stood up, took his cup of change and disappeared into the crowd.

  
That evening, both men were hanging in front of the tv. Merlin was incessantly telling how gauis had answered a few questions. "I will find him", he told Arthur with a reassuring voice: "Gauis told me he worked at the bank, he was a credit manager at the bank of England. So if i go to Threadneedle Street, maybe they can tell me something more." Arthur cleared his throat. "Merlin," he said: "I have to tell you something."


	14. Chapter 14

Merlin....

"I have to tell you something". Merlin had never seen Arthur so nervous and scared. "What is it? " Merlin asked softly. Arthur wriggled in his hands, and his thoughtful face told Merlin that he was looking for the right words. The darkhaired man took Arthur's hands in his, they felt sweaty. "What is it, Arthur, you are scaring me here," he whispered. The blonde cleared his throat. "I know where your father is," he said, turning his eyes away from Merlin. Merlin's jaw dropped. Had he just understood what Arthur had said? "What?" he stuttered: "What did you just say?" Arthur looked at him intensely. "I know where your father is", he repeated.

  
Merlin rose from the seat, rubbing his chin. "You know where he is?" he asked quietly: "how, Arthur?" The other man also stood straight and took Merlin by the shoulders. "The picture you showed me yesterday. I recognized him. But i had to be sure it was the right man. I didn't wanted you to be disapointed." he said. Tears rolled down Merlin's cheeks. "Where is he, Arthur?" he asked with a narrow voice: "Where is he?" Gently Arthur forced him back into the seat. "He always begs at king's cross station, I think he has a refuge in the neighborhood", Arthur answered. Hot tears now ran down Merlin's cheeks. "he is homeless?" he asked quietly with a broken voice. Arthur nodded. "We have to go and get him," Merlin stuttered through his tears: "He can't stay there, we have to go and get him, Arthur." Arthur shook his head with a sad face. "Not now, Merls", he said: "It's dark, and i have no idea where his hide-out is. And i don't know if he is ready to meet you. He never knew he had a son. Your mother told him you died at birth. He never knew, Merlin."

  
Those last words were a punch in Merlin's face. He felt as if his throat was being squeezed and all the oxygen vanished from his lungs. Why had his mother said that? Why had she lied to his father? Why had she always kept the truth from him? She knew it was Merlin's deepest wish to have a father. Why did not she grant him that? Merlin felt light in the head and his stomac turned. Suddenly he felt strong arms around his body and soft words whispered in his ear that everything would be allright, that he needed to calm down and breathe.

  
Slowly, Merlin began to relax a little, and he heard Arthur say that the next day they would visit his father, together. "What if he doesn't want me, what if i'm not what he expected?" Merlin whispered. "Than he is the biggest fool on this planet." Arthur said with a firm voice: "but i'm sure he will love you from the first second he sees you." Those words warmed Merlin's heart and he felt a little better with those arms around him. Safe and wanted, that was what he felt.

  
Half an hour later Merlin sat up to his ears in bath foam. Well, maybe not that much but there was a lot of foam. Arthur had said that a hot bath and a glass of spiced, warm, red wine worked wonders to relax. Merlin had no idea what that was, spiced wine but he had no choice than accepting beeing manhandled into the bathroom. Arthur had made Merlin a hot bath and litted tealights and incense sticks. Merlin felt like he was in some sort of wellness resort. The warm water maked him feel a bit dozy. Arthur was right, he said to himself, it was really pleasant and cozy.

  
The subject of his thoughts entered the bathroom with a steaming pitcher of red wine and two bowls. "Mind if i join you?" Arthur asked. "If you have enough space", Merlin joked: "you're pretty big." With a mischievous smile around his mouth, Arthur began to undress himself and slid slowly into the warm water. He poured two bowls of wine and gave one to Merlin. Merlin slowly sipped from the bowl, very carrefully. He was not really a fan of red wine. The sour, bitter taste was not really something he liked, he preferred sweet, white wine but he did not have the heart to be a spoiled sport right now. But he must admit that the wine Arthur made was actually very good. He tasted orange, nutmegg, cinnamon and it was not bitter but sweet. After the third sip, Merlin knew this would be his favorit new beverage. They were both enjoying the warm water and the pleasant atmosphere, all worries gone for a while.


End file.
